Patriarchy harms men, too

Exploring the 'fear of the feminine'

I refuse to believe men are born violent.

Yet the statistics speak for themselves:

In America,

90+% of rapists are men,

80+% of serial killers are men,

95+% of mass shooters are men.

And I find myself asking… why?

I don’t blame the women who blame men.

When you spend your life looking over your shoulder, calculating the safest route home, holding your keys between your fingers. When you’ve lived through assault, harassment or abuse. When you’ve watched your friends suffer through the same.

Who wouldn't want to fight fire with fire? I fundamentally understand the rage.

But I also feel like demonising men is counterproductive.

While they should, of course, be held accountable, I don’t think fighting aggression with aggression is the way to fix this. To break the cycle.

I do think patriarchy and male dominance are at the root of many of society's deepest issues: from capitalism and hoarded wealth to environmental destruction and wars. But to heal the world, I think we need to heal men first.

Patriarchy isn’t a system that benefits men, it’s a system that creates them.

From the moment they’re born, men are manufactured by the rules of patriarchy. Told what they must be and, more importantly, what they must not be.

From early years, boys are handed the patriarchal rulebook:

• Don't cry

• Don't show weakness

• Don't be "like a girl"

• Be strong

• Be a provider

• Be in control

Vulnerability becomes the enemy. While dominance becomes the way to prove their masculinity. This is where the problem starts.

Patriarchy instils in men a ‘fear of the feminine.’

I still remember watching my sweet, gentle little brother, who once loved dress-ups and sang along to High School Musical, slowly harden. Rolling his eyes at Taylor Swift and scoffing at rom-coms. Desperately distancing himself from anything pink, soft, and “girly.”

When we teach boys that feminine things are beneath them, we're actually teaching them that an entire realm of human experience is off-limits.

Patriarchy conditions men to see anything gentle, sensitive, or emotionally open as weak.

So they suppress it – first in themselves, then in others. Emotions? Vulnerability? Meaningful connection? Nope. Nopety. Nope.

And when you spend your whole life rejecting softness… what’s left?

It’s no surprise, then, that so many men turn to violence. Not because they’re inherently violent. But because, naturally, that’s what happens when you take a human being and strip them of 90% of their emotional range.

The only “acceptable” feelings available to them are anger or suppression. So, violence becomes a maladaptive coping mechanism. An explosion of suppressed emotion. A twisted performance of masculinity. A way to prove they’re a man.

I don’t believe these statistics prove that men are naturally violent. They prove that patriarchy has failed them.

Patriarchy devalues the feminine, and therefore, men are taught to devalue women.

When boys are taught that anything feminine is worthy of mockery, they're absorbing the message that feminine beings (aka women) are less than. Fundamentally inferior.

Women become walking reminders of everything men have been conditioned to reject within themselves – gentleness, vulnerability, connection. And yet, patriarchy presents women as objects of desire.

This becomes a toxic paradox: men are taught to want women while simultaneously despising everything that makes them women.

I don’t think it’s random, then, that violence against women often spikes when women say "no" or set boundaries. These moments of female autonomy directly challenge the very thing patriarchy has promised men: control.

Patriarchy conditions men to believe that dominance is the ultimate goal.

It glorifies power, wealth, control, and competition. The men at the top hoard resources, exploit labour, wage wars, and shape a world where aggression and greed are rewarded (see: America’s tangerine president).

And the men left behind? The ones without power – who feel small, unheard, emasculated – lash out in other ways. Domestic violence. Mass shootings. Gang violence. Sexual assault.

I don’t believe these are random tragedies. They’re symptoms of a system that ties a man’s worth to control. And when power isn’t given, patriarchy teaches them to take it.

Patriarchy harms everyone.

I’m so tired of hearing that men are so "lucky" and “privileged” under patriarchy. I just don’t buy it.

No one wins in this system – not women, not men, not even the planet. It’s built on dominance, control, and destruction. And it is slowly killing us all.

But when aggression and power are the foundation, I don’t believe the solution is more of the same. We can’t keep fighting fire with fire, fists with fists. I believe there has to be another way.

A way that still holds men accountable while also offering a path to healing. A way that embraces softness, connection, and the very things patriarchy has tried so hard to extinguish.

I believe the way we start to heal men is by:

1. Creating safe spaces

Men are rarely given room to express their emotions without fear of ridicule. We need to build real support systems – men’s mental health initiatives, therapy, peer support groups. Sacred spaces where they can be vulnerable, connect, and start to unpack patriarchal conditioning.

2. Redefining masculinity

It’s time to rewrite the script on what it means to “be a man.” Masculinity should embrace vulnerability, care, and connection. Being soft shouldn’t diminish strength. Men don’t have to be protectors if we create a world where there are fewer dangerous men to be protected from.

3. Promoting healthy male role models

Enough with the Andrew Tates and Donald Trumps of the world. We need to elevate men who model emotional intelligence, empathy, and healthy masculinity. The next generation deserves role models who redefine strength. Not as violent control, but as kindness, integrity, and self-respect.

4. Encouraging emotional expression in boys

Breaking the cycle starts early. We need to raise boys with the freedom to express all emotions, not just anger. To cry without shame. To ask for help. To enjoy “girly” things without judgement. To just be kids, without the weight of patriarchal expectations dictating who they should become.

5. Normalising therapy

Men shouldn’t have to hit rock bottom before seeking help. Therapy isn’t just for navigating crisis. It’s a tool for growth, self-awareness, and breaking generational cycles. We need to dismantle the stigma that frames emotional work as a weakness. We need to show men that seeking help is one of the strongest things they can do.

6. Holding space for accountability and growth

This isn’t about excusing harmful behaviour. It’s about creating pathways for meaningful change. Shame and blame only push people deeper into defensiveness. If we want to truly challenge toxic masculinity, we need to invite men into the conversation. We need to unpack the reason for their actions. And we need to show them there’s another way forward.

I believe we need to make space for more nuanced conversations around masculinity and patriarchy. Not to condemn or condone, but to understand.

Older generations like to scoff at our generation for being ‘soft,’ as if it’s an insult. As if ‘hard’ is the only way to be.

But maybe softness is exactly what we need.

Because healing is soft, and I think it’s time we stop seeing that as a weakness. Healing is strength. It is regenerative. It is so fucking powerful.

If we want to heal the world, I believe we have to start by healing men.